Super Resident Evil

I’ve had myself worried these past couple of days due to suffering from a complete creative meltdown, wondering what the hell I was thinking going back to doing game reviews after all this time away from the genre.
I really wanted to start the first of my retrospectives talking about my favourite game franchises from past to present, but unfortunately my brain doesn’t seem to be working that way so I’m stuck searching for crap on the internet, that is after all how it all started over 7 years ago, and boy have I dug up a treat for us to kick off a new series of Gaming with Platitude, based on one of my favourite games of all time, the original Resident Evil. So this won’t offend me in the slightest now will it?

SRE

Welcome to Super Resident Evil, a demake that recreates the infamous Spencer Mansion incident from 1996 into glorious 16 bit nostalgia riddled excellence.

SRE 2

Well, almost, but I have to give credit where it’s due, the sprite for Chris (minus points for no Jill) looks good and they’ve rendered the music and sound pretty nicely too, the HUD tries its best to be faithful to the original but does end up a little clumsy looking by the time you pick up a few weapons, but as we’re to find out soon, aesthetics are the least of our problems here.

So you jump around like you’re on a trampoline collecting Umbrella tokens, which I assume are what you must get all of in order to beat the game, and it’s a little puzzling that you’d collect little logos of the company that’s trying to get you killed, and the reason you’re having to do all this shit in the first place!

Just like in the real game you meet your first zombie in the hall next to the dining room, unlike the real game however you can just leap over him and progress to the next room, you can even clear TWO zombies if you’re lucky enough, I’m laughing at the thought of a classic Resident Evil game where you can jump at all, let alone higher than the fucking monsters, it’d sure help saving ammo I guess, true survival tactics.

SRE 3
Something about the sprites and these backgrounds just doesn’t work, might aswell be a big canvass on the wall it makes that little impact.

As silly as it looks, the jump is in every stretch of the imagination a better option than using your gun because it takes like 5 hours to kill anything in this game, ANYTHING so by the time you’re finished picking off the first two zombies you’re shit out of ammo and and you’ll actually need it a few rooms later when believe it or not you can’t just jump over all the enemies, I swear to god I emptied TWO WHOLE CLIPS, that’s 30 ROUNDS on the pair of zombies in the room with the moveable crate and one of them was
STILL ALIVE ,or still undead, whatever, and the Cerberus takes just as many rounds as a zombie if not more, so already we’re in serious jeopardy in terms of faithfulness to the original Resident Evil. I know, how sad am I?
Something that kind of helps is that if you stand still as soon as you enter a room, the enemies won’t come near you, they just sort of weave back and forth in an erratic pattern, except for the Cerberus, he’s a dick, speaking of the Cerberus, they were a pretty frightening foe, especially when they smashed through the window creating one of the most memorable jumpscares in gaming history, well just take a look at how scary it is here…

SRE 4
Is that supposed to be the Cerberus, or a deformed Lion?

I wouldn’t say the game was hard, but it’s very easy to misplace a jump and get sandwiched between monsters and when that happens it takes about 2 seconds to drain your life from full, you also seem to be gravitate toward the enemy sprites at some points, like there was one time I obviously cleared the two zombies in the dining hall but instead I got pulled back into their arms and died instantly, what did they jump up and catch me in mid air?! What a load of absolute BOLLOCKS!

Super Resident Evil h.gif

I wouldn’t mind so much if dying wasn’t such a fucking chore, there’s no way to reset the game from the death screen I’ve tried every key imaginable but no, nothing, I have to refresh the entire page all over again, this may seem like a minor complaint but when you die frequently and have to reload the page just to try again it can get VERY annoying.

Eventually I end up just bouncing and blagging my way through to victory which happens to be after you clear the staircase room, there’s no boss, and thank god for that I’d probably still be shooting him in frigging August. I don’t even think I got all of the tokens but that doesn’t seem to matter anyway, so all those deaths from trying to collect them all were for absolutely nothing, but why did I spend so much time on this anyway?!

SRE 5
Thanks for playing this game where none of these characters barring one are seen or even referenced.

To summarise, it’s an effort to say the least, the creator himself states that it’s just a prototype, which would explain how short it is, but it’s obvious a lot of work needs to be done to make it in any way a good game, making the enemies a little less overpowered and more intelligent, as well as fixing the death screen restart thing would at least make it tolerable for a 5 minute time waster.
Unfortunately this prototype came out in 2013 and nothing else has been seen since, it’s a shame because the designer probably had a good idea of what he wanted to do and was obviously knowledgeable in the field of… wait a minute I’ve just noticed…
the description…

SRE 6

SRE 7

Forget it, the whole thing sucks.
Goodnight.

 

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Top 8 Worst Games I’ve Ever Reviewed

Happy 2015! After a longer than intended break and a change to the scheduled programming over the festive period we’re going to get right down into the nitty gritty, and usher in the new year with a lazy and phoned in list I’ve been wanting to make for a very long time. If you didn’t read the title in the midst of the excitement of seeing a new article of mine, these are the worst games I’ve ever reviewed! The rules (if you can call them that) are pretty simple:

  1. Only 1 game per series
  2. The review still has to exist on this site, so no trying to remember stuff I may or may not have written in the past that got lost!

Alright so let’s get this trainwreck started…

8: Boxing with Santa 

Boxing

This first one only comes from a few weeks ago. This is a strange little thing that doesn’t really make any sense… The title is misleading for a start, there I was thinking I was getting to beat the crap out of Santa Claus and I get whatever the hell this is. It looks awfully rushed and cheap, there’s no charm or likeability, it’s just clicking lines and making boxes out of them…
Well, attempting to. There are no instructions so Santa just keeps winning all the time and makes you feel like a fucking idiot, but who cares about matchstick boxes anyway? The game also flat out lies to you by stating that it’s a “cool Christmas game” so obviously somebody was very proud of making this, do they even know what “cool” is? This escaped being close to the top purely for the fact that it barely qualifies as a real game (plus it’s seasonal and irellevant 11 months out of 12).

 

7: 2D Shootout 

Honestly, there’s very little to say about 2D Shootout other than it’s one of the first games I remember wanting to write about because I thought it was so bad, although I never got round to it until late 2012. The key problem here is effort (or lack thereof). The music is a ridiculously annoying 10 second loop, there’s only one type of enemy and he’s plastered on the title screen THREE times in exactly the same pose. Once you get into the game the music keeps playing so you go to turn off the sound but it mutes the entire fucking game! However you’re only missing out on the same pistol sound effect OVER and OVER. The only saving grace is that you die very easily. This is the true king of bland and mediocre.

6: Bowlec 3D

Christ, this one is UGLY. Nothing at all is appealing to the eye, the pins are cuboids for starters (just like any ten pin set), the random blue filling has no gradient to it so just looks like a stupid moat surrounding a wooden bowling floor. The scoreboard says “Ron 1”, which is an inexcusable typo and the whole thing looks like it’s floating in the outer rims of the galaxy. WHAT?!
Despite looking like a complete mess, does it still play OK? Well no, the bowling ball, power and angle meters flail from side to side at a speed unknown to mankind before you take your shot, so it’s pretty much goes into the “moat” everytime. You can judge this book by it’s cover.

5. Bijbelspel Bible Games (ALL OF THEM)

I’m unashamedly breaking one of my rules here, because I honestly couldn’t single one of these things out to be the worst of the bunch. I’ve covered all of  these games at length over two separate reviews which I’ll link at the end of this article, so without droning on and on, the main common complaint is that they’re dreadful to look at. They have by far the worst graphics out of any of the entries on this list, the controls can be stiff and unresponsive on a few such as Biblesearch, and the sound quality is mind blowingly bad, worse than anything I can record on my shitty laptop mic. Again, they have been saved from appearing at a top 3 spot because as stated in one of my reviews, they’re pretty much an educational tool, the gameplay is little to none in most cases. They’re still a load of shit, though.

4: Resident Evil Freedom

GOOD. GOD. ABOVE. I HATE this game. Resident Evil is one of my all time favourites, no doubt about it, yes I may complain about how any game since RE4 isn’t how I want it to be, but that’s just personal taste, I can kind of see why some people like the new direction the series has taken. This though… this is just friggin’ insulting. The graphics are beyond terrible (almost Bible Games bad), the text is full of ridiculous grammar and spelling mistakes, the zombies take about 10 hours to shoot down even if you shoot their head, some path choices lead you to an instant death situation which means you have to start all the way from the beginning of the damn thing which is way more painful than it’s worth. It’s like a parody of a Resident Evil game, whoever made this can’t have been serious, or mentally stable…

3. Elsa Casarean Birth

No explanation needed. Moving on…

 

 

 

 

2. Bike Mania

BM2

I’ve talked about this game THREE times. One old article that has gone now, one YouTube video that has since been deleted and finally getting round to giving it another go just a month or so ago, so you can tell I’ve always got something to say about it.
This is such a frustrating experience, much like any other game of its kind, this is the first dirtbike game I played, and it really soured my feelings on the whole “genre” so to speak. I understand games like this need patience, and skill and a calm head but this is not something I possess very often, it pisses me off, I’ve never been able to get good at it, or any others like it, I’ve talked about it so much that it’s hard to come up with anything else to say about it, you’ll just have to read my review, it’s just a personal dislike. It does have other flaws, don’t get me wrong, it’s a shoddily put together game, it looks okay and that’s around all I can compliment it on, the music drives me up the fucking wall and UGH. Can’t say much more, read my review!

1. Parking Mania *SURPRISE SURPRISE*

There are few words in the English language that can accurately describe my dislike for Parking Mania and every single fucking sequel it spawned. I extremely LOATHE this game, every fiber of my being winces and cringes at the thought of having to try and beat every single stage of this thing. This is the reason why I made a “one per series” rule for this list because all of these games would have taken the top 5 spots, no doubt about that. The original stands out as the worst because it’s the very reason why you read what you read on this website, this game gave me such an infuriating experience and I hated it so much that it convinced me to tell other people just how much it pissed me off, not many others had written about it online so I thought “people must know”. Parking Mania stands head and shoulders above the rest because of it’s mercilessly slippy and confusing control scheme, common throughout the whole series with a few tweaks here and there, unlike games such as “Elsa Cesarean Birth” you can’t laugh at how bad you find it, there’s nothing amusing or entertaining about losing again, and again, and again. The worst thing about a difficult game like this is having to go ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE START when you crash the car. I just… can’t describe how much it gets under my skin, I don’t even go near it anymore, and hopefully after this, I won’t have to talk about it anymore. *EUGH*

REVIEW LINKS:
Boxing with Santa
2D Shootout
Bowlec 3D
Bible Games- (1) (2)
Resident Evil Freedom
Elsa Cesarean Birth
Bike Mania
Parking Mania

 

Christmas… Part 2

It appears as if I got a little bit ahead of myself last week, I started browsing all of these festive games, and forgot all about the decorations! How could I have dived into a teeming grotto of Christmas games without first adorning the ever reliable Christmas tree with all the lovely bits and bobs that we know and love? Here it is…

BRILLIANT
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree. It’s bullshit to-the third degree.

 

Not a game so much as interactive clip art, after a surprisingly passable music cue we are then left in deathly silence…
As you can see they’ve selected all the good stuff for this year. We’ve got
strings of oxygen molecules, a pair of fire hazards (small and large),  an endless supply of yellow (because that’s a Christmassy colour) baubles and of course our faithful tree topper in the shape of an star.
That blizzard of bubbles in the background looks a lot like snow if you happen to hail from Jupiter, I don’t know about you but I’m more accustomed to more of a “flake-like” shape when it comes to my blizzards, although I will say it was a clever move because it means they didn’t have to colour in the background, or make any further effort whatsoever. Because this was just brimming with love, care and detail from the very start wasn’t it? Anyhow, better decorate this thing!

How to summon Satan, Part 1.

Alright, now that’s all over and done with, let’s dress up some elves!

AAAAAARRRGGHHH!! FUCKING RUN!
RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES. HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT!!

Alright let’s play an actual game for once. I know! How about a flatulent Santa Claus, because THAT’S what we all want to see this festive season…

Fartypants

I never thought it was possible for Christmas to jump the shark but this comes pretty close. Basically Santa crashes his sleigh because Rudolph “ran out of batteries” (get it, because his nose flashes? -_-) so with his reindeer out of action, jolly old Father Christmas decides the best mode of transportation would be via a methane powered jetpack. Doesn’t this just sound like the most whimsical Christmas tale ever told? Since when did Santa turn from a wise, jolly, grandfatherly figure into a dirty stinky old wretch? Oh well let’s just see what the game’s like.

fartfuck

After navigating past the farting menu, we get into the game and from what I can see it’s pretty basic. All you do is wander around and collect enough brussell sprouts (we won’t question why people are throwing them out of their windows, I would too if they were in my house) which serve as your “fuel” so to speak, pressing space propels santa upwards teamed with more lovely sound effects, because that won’t stop being funny after the first 5 seconds. There are also old ladies leaving pies outside, I have no idea what they even do?

So your goal is to fly up to the chimneys and drop your load (believe it or not, I mean presents). At least that’s what WOULD happen for me if my CTRL button actually did something, it’s probably something to do with my keyboard, but I can’t seem to be able to drop my presents, not that it matters as I can’t see this game getting any more complex.
There are these angry snowmen which try to stop you, to be honest I have to side with the snowmen here, if I was stood just minding my own business one Christmas Eve, then Santa Claus comes along blowing off gas all over my personal space, I’d be pissed off too, it’s not like they can just get up and walk away either, they’re friggin’ snowmen!
The music is catchy at first but oh my god it never stops. IT NEVER STOPS. HELP. ME.

Honestly there’s not a whole lot more to say, and I think that’s for the best. The gameplay is mediocre at best, the flight controls are awkward, the music and sound effects are beyond repetitive, and oh and it’s SANTA CLAUS WITH A FART POWERED JETPACK. HOW GOOD CAN YOU EXPECT THAT IDEA TO BE? I guess you could say that this game “stinks”? *okay that was bad*

Perhaps the weirdest thing for me is that I played this on a “girl gaming” website, isn’t it strange to find such a “gross” game on a site like this? Most of the stuff on here is dressing up or cooking related, no joke!
Now before you cry “sexist” I’m not saying that girls shouldn’t be allowed to play this game.

Because to be honest, NOBODY should be allowed to play this shit.

**END**

 

 

Christmas… Part 1

Welcome to the first of 2 obligatory “Christmas (and New Year) Specials” in which I produce lazy, phoned in content by playing the weirdest and most downright awful festive games I can find! Without going into some huge introduction explaining my opinion on this time of goodwill toward all mankind, I’d just like to say that New Years is totally 100% more fun than Christmas and I have no idea why it’s so underappreciated, you can have fun with friends, get REALLY drunk and yet you don’t have to regret inviting your extended family over for lunch because everything’s undercooked, there aren’t enough crackers, the snotty kids have broken the Xbox One (it was the only thing keeping them quiet) and the dog has shat on the carpet because Grandad fed him spare sprouts. Even though that was a vivid picture, it is in NO way from personal experience… What? You think I’d allow an Xbox One in my house? Jeez.

Anyway let’s dress up an emo for Crimbo

emo
Ahh, a lopsided bra, because THIS is what the festive season is all about; indecent exposure! For the kids! 🙂

 

Yes, as you can see, even the most emotionally fragile in our society need a little “holiday cheer”, although according to this game their attire doesn’t even need to change too much, infact you’d barely recognise it as having anything to do with Christmas at all!
The only Christmas related apparel I could find was a vaguely festive looking hat, a pair of candy cane earrings which you can barely see so what’s the point, a piece of holly that doesn’t really belong anywhere so I just used it as a chastity belt and some striped leggings which I thought looked somewhat Christmassy but they don’t even fucking fit her legs! There’s no attempt to make them work because they’re not even the right shape! Perhaps this a subtle but harsh reminder that whilst some clothes may look lovely, not all of them will suit your natural body arrangement, but you can only be strong and love yourself for how “God made you”…
Who am I kidding? It’s a load of old shit, but it’s certainly NOT Christmas shit. Consider my time wasted.

I don’t know about you, but if I see a game titled “Boxing With Santa“, I simply can’t resist! The excitement is unreal, am I really going to get to beat the shit out of Father Christmas?

Boxing

 

Uhh, what the hell is this? This isn’t boxing, this is clicking on lines and trying to make boxes, I guess?…
Oh. “Boxing”, creating BOXES. HOW FUNNY!
Okay, you clever dicks over at “merry-christmas.comFIRST of all, this has to be one of the cheapest and laziest games I’ve ever seen, there’s little indication you’re even playing with Santa Claus until a tiny, poorly rendered icon of his face appears when he’s destroying you!
SECOND. I have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing, I keep clicking the lines trying to make the boxes appear but he keeps making more fucking squares, I haven’t even managed ONE! Some instructions would be nice, unless I’m just being an idiot?!
THIRD. That sentence above the board is simply a lie, this game is definitely not cool, and why? Because it’s a bland, confusing, misleading, half baked attempt at a “Christmas” game, and I used the inverted commas because it’s as festive as drawing Santa on the back of a deck of cards. There’s no originality involved. I should have just clicked away from this as soon as I found out it wasn’t real boxing. Why am I so easily led on? -_-

Well that’s all I can stomach for this week. Tune in next time when I’ll be playing Ludo with Rudolph and dressing up a scantily clad Mrs. Claus*

*I hope those games don’t actually exist now.

**END**

 

 

CONTRACEPTiVE

Capture

This has to be one of the worst concepts for a game that I’ve ever played

contraceptive

 

 

 

 

 

 

If the title wasn’t a big enough clue (if anyone knows of a good reason why the “i” in CONTRACEPTiVE would be in lower case please tell me), you play as a condom trying to stop all the microscopic sperm from fertilising the “ovum” and I use the term loosely because it could be anything, it’s just a circle with a dot inside, it looks more like something you’d use for target practice! I never expected the game to be 100% medically accurate, but at least make the ovum a different colour than the sperm! Now I’m on the subject of medical accuracy, the imagery of the contraceptive makes no sense, this would imply that the male has already shot his load and then just stuffed the condom inside her vagina in a naive attempt to avoid impregnating the girl, because that’s how it works, right? and on what planet does a condom ever belong on the same size scale as a sperm cell? Oh never mind, let’s just ignore the science and get on with it.
Not only does the whole idea of this game blow, the actual gameplay does too! I’m not even going to go into the unfitting stock music that plagues it, luckily there’s an off switch for that. If just one sperm makes it to the middle you’re screwed and you have to do it all over again (one is all it takes in real life, I guess), preventing this happening is nigh on impossible, you can circle around tactically for the first few seconds and then suddenly the sperm gets faster and then before you know it BOOM! UP THE DUFF!

dontworry

It even has the audacity to accuse me of being “worried” on the “game over” screen, honestly? They thought losing at this game would genuinely upset me? I’m actually relieved, being a Dad would be a lot less fucking hassle than this shit! “Try again?” I wish whoever made this game had tried again when they realised how fucking awful it was. What a joke!

**End**

 

 

Frozen Games (Part 2)

Continuing from where we left off  last time and trying in vain to forget Elsa’s labour pains, let’s take a look at a couple more Frozen games, I’m probably ordering these reviews backwards, after all, nothing can be worse than slicing open Queen Elsa and taking a baby out of her womb, right?

frozen hand
I think the graphics needs emergency aid more than Elsa.

 

Well how about a bloody, bruised and blistered Elsa hand to operate on in “Elsa Hand Surgery“? Why is it always Elsa? It’s weird how none of the games I’ve glanced at have anything distressing or life changing happening to Anna! She’s suffering from Luigi syndrome, overshadowed by a more popular sibling, Anna isn’t even loved enough to be featured in shit like this.
This is a lot less disturbing than the “giving birth” game, but it’s still something I can’t imagine ANY kid wanting to play, or any human being for that matter. Not to list all the flaws but if you thought the last game looked cheap then just take a look at this, Elsa’s hand doesn’t even look like her hand it’s way too fat and the art style doesn’t even fit with the stock Frozen background they’ve stolen from Google Images! This could literally be any “fix the hand” game and all they’ve done is add an Elsa background, therefore it’s about as appealing to the eye as a pile of horse shit on a country road.
The music drones on and on like a never ending musical box, thankfully you can turn it off by pressing that weird flower thing in the top left that spews out musical notes. Even Dora the Explorer and her weird monkey thing make an appearance in this clustered shitty mess of an interface, for what reason I can’t even imagine. (It’s basically just a link to a Dora the Explorer games website, maybe I’ll get to that one someday…)

You wanna know how to beat the game? Well here’s the official strategy guide… *breathes in* You use the drippy thing to heal her sore fingers, the plaster for the gash on her palm, the tweezers to remove the splinter in her middle finger, then use the ice to erase the blisters and the tissue to rub away the diamond shaped mark! You can even add tattoos if you want to, but they do piss all except make an already ridiculous looking situation even more ridiculous.

All worth it for this.
All worth it for this.

Moving on from the gore and blood, we have something now which is just flat out DUMB…

icebucketUgh, so Olaf’s Ice Bucket Challenge. He’s a fucking snowman. Taking the ICE BUCKET Challenge. Uhhh *knock knock* Hello? Hardly much of a CHALLENGE is it? That’s like letting Incredible Hulk do a weightlifting challenge, what’s the point? He’s in his element, there’s no effort involved. Anyway enough about that and more like DAYYUUMNN, Elsa in bra and panties? I didn’t expect that, what the fuck?! Is there any reason why she’s basically naked? Is it supposed to be funny because it’s snowing and the cold doesn’t bother her anyway? This is just strange, something doesn’t seem right about this at all, nothing is making sense!

I’m not even sure this game is even for kids I just think it’s some weirdo’s sick fantasy and he probably figured nobody would ever play it because they’d see the title and think “wow that looks like the biggest pisstake ever”. If you wanna perv on Elsa, be my guest, this game is just for you. Although it’s probably small fry compared to what you could find elsewhere on the big bad internet… *shudders*

Yeah...
Yeah…

Wow, I got sidetracked. The actual game goes like so:

You empty bowls of ice and fruit (I’m not even questioning the fruit, just going with it now) into a bucket, Elsa than magically levitates the bucket, dumps the contents on Olaf’s head (including the fruit) and then apparently you fail the challenge?!sss

Well as far as I was aware there were no onscreen instructions at the time of the bucket dumping, so the game is either bugged or there’s some obscure place I have to click, but I’ve tried pretty much everywhere and I just end up “failing” each time.

The instructions might as well just not be there, they don't help in the slightest.
The instructions might as well just not be there, they don’t help in the slightest.

Who even cares because I’d be wasting my time thinking about it anymore. I’m totally letting these games go, I’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel this time, and there’s very few positives to take away from this experience, infact there are no positives it’s just been a character destroying, mind bending, fucked up train wreck of epic proportions. It just goes to show you, nothing is sacred on the internet, and what may seem like harmless entertainment can harbour deep dark secrets, caesarean sections, blisters and unnecessary nudity to name a few. Stay safe, kids…

**End**

 

 

Frozen Games (Part 1)

What can I say about Frozen? It’s one of the most successful Disney movies ever made and has turned into a giant merchandise machine, churning out millions of dollars even a whole year after the movie came out in cinemas. No other Disney movie has even come close to the magnitude of popularity this film has achieved, though to be fair to a lot of them, they were released long before the advent of the internet and with it music and video sharing. I imagine if the Lion King or Beauty and the Beast had come out in 2013, it would have been just the same as what Frozen has achieved.
Whether it’s the catchy music, the strong characters or the beautiful animation, everyone has something they like or at least recognize about Frozen, personally I’m more of an “Aladdin and the King of Thieves” guy, but Frozen’s pretty good too. Of course there had to be games based on such a popular franchi$e, more well known ones include Olaf’s Quest for the DS and Frozen Free Fall (or a reskinned Bejeweled to the more cynical among us)
Even after all that, would you believe there exists a website purely dedicated to Frozen Games? Now for a magical “almost 1 year anniversary of Frozen” treat, I’m gonna delve into a few of these games that I believe are worth talking about.

Alright let’s begin with “Elsa Caesarean Birth“!

holyfuck
Look at Olaf he knows it’s funny, the creepy buck toothed snowy bastard.

Wait what?! Did I really just say that? Well yes, I did, and I’m not making this game up, this is something that actually exists. Follow the link if you don’t believe me. Are we actually going to do this? I mean really, Elsa is one of the most beloved characters in Disney history and they do this to her, I didn’t even know she was pregnant! Pretty fucking sick if you ask me, and who’s the father? Elsa didn’t even have a love interest in the movie, and in the title screen the baby is blonde, is it Kristoff doing the dirty on poor Anna?! … Something is really fucked up about this whole thing and I haven’t even started playing the game yet. I don’t even want to, but in the interests of fairness and twisted curiosity I must continue…

Pretty modern hospital for a fairytale land…

 

So you get the choice of difficulty, basically you either get help or you don’t, being that I don’t wanna screw this up I’d better choose the easy mode.The first screen shows Anna explaining how Elsa is feeling uncomfortable and we must operate on her right away, I guess it’s a little more comforting for poor Elsa that her beloved sister is basically in charge of her pregnancy and her giving birth, rather her than the fucking reindeer…

The game itself is straightforward, all you do is follow instructions whilst the same piano medley of “Let it Go” chirps along in the background, but the imagery here is just ridiculous, I mean just look at what you’re doing to poor Elsa.

For the kids!
For the kids!

 

Wow, only Elsa's child could look that perfect straight out of the womb.
Wow, only Elsa’s child could look that perfect straight out of the womb.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve never played a game where you help a Disney Princess (or Queen in this case, my bad) give birth, it makes no sense and it doesn’t even come close to being a good idea. I wonder what else is out there, can I perform open heart surgery on Prince Charming? How about neutering all 101 Dalmatians? That sounds like fun! What kid would find this appealing in any way?! I could go on and on about just how fucked up it all is but you can see for yourselves, you don’t need me to point it out to you, it couldn’t be any clearer, it’s as crystal clear as Elsa’s ice palace that this “game” is a miserable waste of internet space. To sum up I have no choice but to quote a favourite reviewer of mine… “WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!”

The sad thing is that I planned to do more Frozen games in this review, but now I don’t think I can come up with anything to top this filth in one sitting! I would just let it go and move on, but next week, we’re gonna have a look again and see what other Frozen games we can find, so stay tuned for part 2…

**End**

Bike Mania

BM

I’m in a bad mood, and what better way to enhance my mental state by playing one of my least favourite browser games of all time. Believe it or not, this is the THIRD time I’ve talked about this game, my first written review was years ago and is long gone, then I made a YouTube video about it, which I have since deleted out of sheer embarrassment at my voice (some people were meant not to be seen OR heard).  Now I’m about to go at it again, hopefully for the last time.
This your typical “trial bike skills” game, meaning the goal is to simply ride over all the obstacles without crashing, this genre demands skill, patience and a cool head, thankfully right at this moment none of those three qualities are present within me. Also on a somewhat subjective note, these type of games are topped only by “park the car” games on my scale of dislike and frustration, so we’re gonna have fun today. Anyway enough of me talking shit, let’s play some “Bike Mania“.

BM2

The first thing you’ll notice is of course that the flatulent sounding music track is god-awful, I don’t understand why you’d even need music in the first place, isn’t that just going to put you off? A 20 second loop of some of the most unfitting and irritating music known to humankind? Naturally I go to click the speaker icon in the top left corner in naive hope that it’ll turn the shit off…

Oh my god. It turns the bike sounds off… the bike sounds? THE. FUCKING. BIKE. SOUNDS?! Are you out of your minds?! So what they’re telling me is that I have no choice but to listen to the piss awful music loop but I can turn off the barely noticeable, inoffensive gurgling sounds of the BIKE ENGINE?! WOW. THANKS! Was this a mistake or just a sick joke they played on people who have the fortune of not being completely deaf?! I can’t take it anymore, I’m muting my fucking laptop.

So after that fiasco we’re finally gonna play silent Bike Mania, and to be fair it’s not a bad looking game at all, the foreground is clearly rendered and has a 3D effect going on, whilst the background looks like one of those pre-rendered affairs from the good ol’ days of gaming, kinda like that too.
I manage to through the first level quite easily but once I hit level two I start dying, mostly trying to climb over some stupid beer kegs! When have you ever seen a trial bike go over vertical standing barrels without using a ramp? I don’t even think that’s possible in the real world, maybe that’s why I’m having so much trouble in the virtual world, fuck! You have to take your time with this game or else the bike just flies up in the air and crashes, and by crashes I mean the game just stops as soon as you make contact with the ground, your body doesn’t even move or anything which is kinda disappointing, it just feels too sudden and cheap. HOW DOES A BIKE FLIP OVER JUST BY TOUCHING A BARREL WITH ITS FRONT WHEEL?!

bm3

One thing that I hate about the death screen is the two bright blue buttons in the centre actually take you AWAY from the game and the “try again” button is at the bottom right corner. This may seem like a minor gripe, but why couldn’t the restart button be in the middle? Imagine clicking one of them by accident after getting really far, then having to start over from the beginning, you’d be screwed! It’s actually quite amusing how they seem to want you to get out of the game as much as possible and try something else, they know it’s bad.

I don’t even know what more to say, I’m still trying to get past the second stage, and each time I’m just getting more and more frustrated, knowing that with each attempt I’m just wasting more valuable seconds of my life, I seem to recall I got further during my video review though which is no use to me now since I deleted it. I even got offered a sasddwalkthrough video, now that’s just sad because it must know I suck at these games. What’s even sadder are that there are tonnes more “Bike Mania” games, probably just as if not more difficult than the first. It’s not like I could even take a break and come back later (not that I would ever do that) as there’s no way to save your progress you have to either give up or be hardcore and complete it in one sitting no matter how long it takes, and that clock just keeps ticking away just to remind you how much time you’ve spent falling flat on your face every 10 seconds.

That’s it. No more of this. For the third and final time I’ve said all I need to say on this nightmare, it’s frustrating, a lot of the deaths feel cheap, the music is beyond bad and the sound control button is the biggest joke ever, but as a positive I do think it looks okay, so at least that’s something. Maybe one day I’ll look at some of the other Bike Mania games and see if I can beat any of those! 🙂

Ha. Fuck that.

**End**

 

 

Exit

Exit

So this is “Exit”  and to be quite honest just by glancing at the title screen you can tell that it’s not gonna be great, ignoring the fact it’s in Spanish (which to be quite honest is the least of my worries) and glossing over the fact that the stupid music beat loops for literally 2 seconds, I just want to know one thing…

exitt

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?! No really, I’m serious, what the fuck is it meant to be? It looks like what would be spawned if Sonic the Hedgehog, Rayman, and Mr. Potato Head had a threesome and somehow conceived a disgusting bastard child. Just looking at it unnerves me. Although now it looks like I’m gonna have to play as it. Nice.

ddddd
Run freak, run!

To give credit to the abomination, it can jump pretty well, the goal here is to simply spring over all the walls of varying height and using good timing to clear the larger red walls, it’s pretty easy up until the last few sections where you have to tap space to kick bombs out of the way, which is a real bitch because if you tap space too many times you jump prematurely and crash into the upcoming wall…

nice
BOOM! I guess what surprises me most is that it bleeds red, like a real living being would…

I gotta admit, dying in this game can be pretty amusing, seeing this little freakazoid get smashed into a bloody pulp is just what I was wishing for since the beginning, especially since everytime it jumps it makes an obnoxious “wuuyaahhh!” noise, which makes it even more disturbing, knowing this thing has vocal chords.. definitely a “kill it with fire” situation.

So you jump jump jump all the way to the “exit”, and then you win, that’s it. Although everytime you die, the wall placement seems to alter, so as to keep things “interesting” and probably so that you can’t memorise a single pattern of jumps, extending the playtime of this bizarre specimen by a considerable margin.

After all that, I get a victory screen I don’t even understand! Well I won’t have that, using the powers of Google Translate, behold…

Uff , this time you’ve escaped , but not underestimate the power of fear , next time do not be so easy , lol . to be continued…

So now you’re thinking, this game can’t possibly have a sequel, right?

WRONG!
WRONG!

This time we have a totally different box of spiders. In the sequel that nobody demanded, you have to jump on tiles across a puzzle board game-ish style arena? I’m not sure what “real game” I can relate this to but there must be one. So once again you play as “it” and from what I can assume you get more “puntos” (points) the more tiles you jump on, but there’s nothing making you jump on all of them and there’s no penalty for just grabbing the key and heading for the “EXIT”, aside from dropping a few puntos…

Gotta keep moving on those yellow tiles, they fall... :|
Gotta keep moving on those yellow tiles, they fall… 😐

The music is a huge improvement, it’s a catchy techno beat and it loops quite well, well done them. Unlike the first game there’s actually more than one stage, and just having the freedom to move around and not be forced to jump over walls makes this game leagues more advanced than the first installment. There’s also a password system, which is nice if you ever wanna take a nice break and come back later, not that anyone would actually do that but the thought is there.

The first level is pretty piss, but the second level introduces these red spike tiles which mutilate you, the problem is they move so fast and give you barely enough time to make it over so you end up dying and hearing a blood curdling scream, man, I thought the first game was violent. I thought egg2.com was for kids? Obviously not. So to summarise, I’ve never made it past the second stage because of those damn spikes, but you get the general idea.

Just what every kid wants to see!
Just what every kid wants to see!

 

 

Now we come to the conclusion I’ll have to make a confession. These two games weren’t random targets, you see I used to go on egg2.com a lot when I was young and I’ll admit, Exit 1 and 2 creeped me the fuck out. I’m a big fan of horror games so I’m no wuss in general, but that “thing” you control is just unsettling even today, just the way it moves and it’s face and the way it has a voice, I also hated the death scream in the second game, used to make me jump… :/ Occasionally the games would pop into my mind when I was older but for the life of me I could not remember the names.
So quite by accident I’ve stumbled upon them again, whilst looking for my next review ironically, kind of like finding a long lost relative you haven’t seen for 10 years, only he’s got three heads and wants to put your testicles in a vice grip…

**END**

 

Bijbelspel Bible Games II

Yeah, I’m back. I’m not one for big return speeches or making promises about how much better my reviews will be this time around or how many reviews I’ll do a month, because as the saying goes you can encase a turd in gold but at the end of the day, it’s still gonna stink. It’s been over a year but once again I find myself entering the world of shitty browser games, and just to make sure I can shake off the rust, I’ve picked easy targets in the form of the “Bijbelspel” Bible Games, which is also the same website I found all of those Ping Pong games for my previous review (which happened to be September 20th 2013 but shush)
I’ve reviewed two of these games before in this here article: https://cacolantern.wordpress.com/2013/07/25/armour-of-god-david-goliath/ and they were incredible (if your definition of incredible is unbearable and disgusting) but now it’s time to take a look at a few more. Oh boy…

In the Beginning

Seems like a good place to start. Not so much a game as an interactive “animation” but even saying that is being generous, but to be fair this is probably made for a younger audience. The basic idea is just to follow the narrator’s story and click on the object you’re instructed to click on thereby furthering the story of “the creation”. Normally there wouldn’t be much to say but the one thing that’s worth talking about is the voice quality of the narration, it genuinely is some of the worst  I’ve ever heard, even the NES could produce better voice quality and that was over 25 years ago, I don’t even know how you can make it so bad unless you stick a microphone inside of a potato and speak through your jumper? Another thing annoying me right at this second is that I’m trying to write down the review as I’m playing the “game” and if I don’t do as the narration instructs within literally 3 seconds it just keeps repeating itself!
“click the green land once more”
“click the green land once more”
“click the green land once more”
LIKE HOLY FUCK ME JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE?!
So you keep clicking the green land and the water to make all sorts of shittily animated animals appear (yes I’m aware “shittily” isn’t a real word, sue me) and it just becomes a mess of highly irritating screeches and mind numbing melody, eventually you’re put out of your misery when Adam and Eve show up so you finally know the whole dreadful experience is over.

The finished product, well worth the trouble.
The finished product, well worth the trouble…

Bible Catch

A lot to take in here.
A lot to take in here…

Here we have our first actual game, but to be honest there’s actually less to say about this than the last “GAME”. It’s a basic “catch the falling item” game, this time an angel is dropping bibles and you have to catch them in your bucket, catch as many as you can within one minute. The game’s pretty easy, but somebody must have been watching over me when I complained about the sound in the last “GAME”, because in this one, there’s nothing at all! It’s a complete mute. Bad music and sound effects happen to be one of my biggest gripes when reviewing any browser game and I’ve often said “have good music or have none at all” so Bible Catch here takes no chances. Must have seen me coming. Oh and what’s with the bad drawings (all these games have this in common), the characters look like lifeless cardboard cutout dolls the scenery is just uninspiring blobs of colour, and they didn’t even put effort into the timer! Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’m no Rembrandt, but man, this is shit.

Fishermen

Capture
*pukes*

Another self explanatory game, just put the correct coloured fish into the correct coloured buckets, and that’s it. Once again it’s not the gameplay but everything else which makes this website such a bizarre experience, with this one the voice quality has improved from before but the delivery of the lines is so dimwitted it reminds me of Animal Soccer World (and if you don’t know what that is here you go). I don’t remember the part in the Bible where the sun wore shades, and I don’t remember it saying that these so called fishermen were fucking zombies!
At the very least I can say thank god it stayed quiet after the narration was over.

fisherman
I like the way the sea stops touching the land at the bottom right corner. For something so ornate and detailed I was shocked to see such a glaring graphical error.

Bible Search

The amazing technicolour library.
The amazing technicolour library.
biblesearch2
The Hallway of Horrors.

I was gonna stop there but then I realised there was only one bible game left that I hadn’t talked about! (or at least one that qualifies as a game). This is probably the most complex of the games, with an actual instructions that last for 40 days and 40 nights needed to play (though thankfully they can be bypassed). The goal is to search around all these rooms for books of the bible then return them back the library, but you can only carry 3 books in your bag at once so this makes it extremely tedious, and it doesn’t help that the controls are so stiff and unresponsive, I don’t understand how you can fuck up a game based on using the arrow keys and the spacebar but you walk like the pissing tin man from Wizard of Oz. So every time you go back to the library you have to put the books into the correct positions based on their number, it’s painful to have to move the ladder around just to get to where you want to be, sometimes the bitch just doesn’t move where you want her to and it just jerks around.

Before you figure out that the gameplay is bad you'll have vomited twice at the graphics.
Before you figure out that the gameplay is bad you’ll have vomited twice at the graphics.

I assume it’s possible to lose the game because if you get hit by any of those random objects careening down the hallway you lose score, but they pose little threat and it only took one point away when I got hit and sometimes the hit doesn’t even register at all so the game doesn’t even have the courtesy to let you commit suicide quickly. I think there are higher difficulty levels and more stages where the enemies move faster but honestly I couldn’t give two holy shits, the movement is way too buggy for my liking and I simply don’t have the patience to carry on. The game isn’t even appealing to look at, just like all the rest of ’em! I appreciate them trying a more complex idea but it just sucks. If you wanna try to play it all the way through then power to you, give me a comment when you find out what happens at the end, I’d rather you waste your time than me.

 

So that’s it! No more Bijbelspel Bible Games! These games are some of the strangest and cheapest looking games I’ve played yet, I’m not gonna call them the worst games ever because that’s not true. they’re an education tool, they’re for kids looking to learn more about the bible. They come close to not even being games at all, however that still doesn’t excuse the terrible graphics, the crappy voiceovers, the overly tedious gameplay, and the simply broken movement mechanics in the final game! If you’re gonna teach kids valuable lessons at least make it fun and worthwhile, I can’t even imagine CHILDREN enjoying these, especially nowadays where the young generation have started to use iPads and other such expensive devices, even they’re gonna laugh like the rest of us.

Although I gotta say, if you’re really desperate to learn about this kind of thing… just read a fucking book are you crazy?

**End**